Saturday, May 06, 2006

Friday night activities

The reason I started “blogging” was to discuss certain issues with strangers .. or myself, to gather opinions on my views on life maybe a few helpful antics; never the less I have not been very adamant or consistent with my blogs. Some may believe that I haven’t been updating this on a regular basis because I have been preoccupied with work, school or whatever… truth be told I haven’t, I have just been afraid to have others hear my inner thoughts and then read responses to my issues. Here goes …

So I haven’t been able to sleep well lately, tonight in particular here I sit typing on Friday night (or sat. morning) at 3:50 AM, and no I haven’t been out on the town or at some friends house drinking I have been sitting at home cleaning a few things, doing laundry and other mundane activities that do not belong in the schedule of an evening that has the possibilities of being interesting in any way what so ever. The main reason I am awake mind you is that I have been sitting up all night waiting …. You ask for what; to answer this I will have to go on to a new topic... and will.

There is a person in particular that I care for exceptionally, a person that I would do anything for, the kind that makes you comfortable in any situation, that you worry and wonder about when you are not in contact … someone very close or so I have thought.
I cannot say that situations have been smooth sailing all around the trip (I don’t know any good relationship that has been) however, lately I have been feeling extremely alone, alienated from family and friends, not hearing form many of them and when I do it doesn’t seem that there is any genuine concern of well being. So with this I have been hoping to spend some quality time with the person that I care for more than the rest but I always get “I am busy” or “there just isn’t enough time” … hey before you all get on my case I am pretty understanding and there is no doubt that sometimes people get busy and have few too many things on the plate so some items get shifted to the side, and I am not looking for constant attention … a 24 hour guardian; I just want to feel wanted and cared for, loved if you will.

Tonight I got off work and sent a text to this person, not expecting an instant reply I went along with my work, after a short while I received a voicemail form this person indicating that they had recently exited an event with a few co-workers and would be continuing the evening with them and that they would call if feeling up to a drink later. No problem there, in fact the feeling I got was a rush of emotions just hearing their voice on the other end, I loved it; so I went along with whatever I was doing keeping myself occupied. Sometime later in the evening I receive a text explaining how what activities that were being participated in and I replied, indicating that I was happy for them; in all reality I was jealous, not of the enjoyment that they were having, but of the co-workers that were there to take that person away from me … that kinda sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?? Well that’s what I told myself at the time. The thing that got me most and has kept me up all night is that I never got a call or text … nothing!!! At this point my mind starts wandering, all the possibilities logical or not, worst part is that I start believing in them!

After a lot of restlessness and thought I admit that I may be irrational in thought (although part of me still wonders, I really don’t know). All and all I think if you care for someone enough even on the busiest day you should find a few minutes to let that person know how you are doing and feeling and that you do care … just a few out of 24 hours. I don’t want to hog their time or make them feel trapped by no means but I get genuinely concerned, and want peace of mind so I can sleep at night and function properly.

So I leave it at that, still wondering, concerned and loving

As they say “Time will tell”

3 Comments:

Blogger chet said...

Great Post, Insomniac you have made a good start. I cannot give you much comfort but will let you know that there is others out there that feel like you. Even I who is getting up there past my prime have those feelings. Not always easy to deal with. But I do understand what you are saying.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Insomniac said...

I appreciate the comment Chet, unfourtunatly the seas have only gotton rougher ... enough to break the hull

11:38 PM  
Blogger Insomniac said...

Chet I see you are interested in Islam? and Isreali Palestinian relations?

anyhow they are intersting topics and if you have any q's just let me know

11:44 PM  

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